This article is the opinion of the writer. It is for general informational purposes only. It does not constitute individual therapeutic advice.

Toxic religion is everywhere. It has been around for millennia and might continue as long as human beings exist. It permeates into society, even in public, supposedly non-religious spaces. Christian Nationalism is on the rise in America. Now is an important time to take stock of the harm bad religion has on many of its followers.

Even as an ex-Christian, I do not believe that all religion is toxic. I don’t even believe all forms of Christianity are toxic. It’s true that I do not believe in the fundamental premise of Christianity. I do believe, though, that some Christians use their religion to make the world a better place.

This post is not an indictment of Christianity or any religion. Neither is my work as an ex-Christian psychotherapist. Rather, this is a breakdown of some of the most common harmful beliefs that religion can reinforce.

As you read through these, if these beliefs have resonated with you in the past, I hope you feel less alone. Do any of these beliefs still have an effect on you, even if you have left religion? If so, I’m a big fan of using Internal Family Systems therapy to work through these kinds of beliefs.

I’m a bad person

Many churches teach that humans are evil from birth. They imply consequences of either salvation or damnation when setting rules for children. It’s hard for kids to hear about this and not learn to become moral perfectionists as a result.

It’s one thing for an idea like this to cause someone to be humble around other people. It’s another for people to grow up believing that God will in fact never forgive them for who they are.

The world is divided into “us” and “them”

This is the first message I remember learning as a small child about how the world works. God will grant eternal life to some people, and not to others. The dividing line is sin. Even though only God can see where the line is drawn exactly, authority figures can point it out.

The danger with this belief is that it can lead to all the great “-isms” in our culture. Racism, transphobia, homophobia, sexism, and so on all come from this belief. It is a belief that people can use to place themselves in power, and discriminate against all others.

I can and should control my feelings

As a therapist, I will point out immediately that this belief is plainly incorrect. Our bodies store emotions. They activate those emotions when they need to share important information with us. It's true that we can sometimes choose our responses to the feelings. That does not mean, though, that we can stop these feelings themselves from existing.

Religion has contributed to the myth that your emotions are completely controllable. The logic goes, if God has said anger is bad, then we would have the ability to choose not to be angry, right? When people hold onto this belief, they suppress - not extinguish - their emotions. Exiled emotions come to the surface one way or another. This happens either through explosive expression or passive-aggressive behavior. Pretending emotions do not exist simply does not work.

I should only have one dualistic belief about any given issue

This is not a concept that belongs only to religious thought. Many churches reinforce it, though. Christians often learn to be “mono-minded” - to think that any issue has only two sides, and they can only be on one side. As a result, we shut down our ability to hold paradox within ourselves.

When people leave religion, this type of thinking can follow them. They believe they must focus only on why they left, and leave no room to grieve over what they’ve left behind. It sometimes takes people years to learn how to believe seemingly contradicting ideas. Not only can it be done, though, non-dual thinking is more true to how the human brain actually works. Our brains can and do hold onto simultaneous, conflicting ideas. Trying to be mono-minded creates the same problems as suppressing emotions.

I should always put my own needs last, no matter what

I’ve had clients tell me about the acronym J.O.Y. that they learned as kids in Sunday school. The acronym, denoting the order in which you should meet needs, is “Jesus, Others, Yourself.” I can’t say how literal the creator of this acronym intended it, but many kids took it that way as they grew older.

I can see the point in trying to have awareness of others, or to try to be selfless. Sadly, many Christians develop the idea that focusing on their own needs at all is selfish and wrong. What I often find with clients is that they have trouble sustaining their ability to help others. This is because they are not first meeting their own needs. If you never express yourself or acknowledge how you are feeling, you can burn out and be unable to help anyone.

Authority figures from church speak on God’s behalf

I don’t want to dive too deep into the theology of this idea. What I want to focus on is how authority figures of any stripe can co-opt the name of God for their own purposes.

When I was a kid in church, I felt pressured to believe the word of anyone older than me. Random adults with no credentials could volunteer to teach Sunday school. I was forced to listen to them. They had all the authority in the room, and I had none. Does this sound familiar to you?

The real downside of this dynamic is that it teaches people not to trust themselves. They consistently put the opinions of others over their own. This can affect major life decisions, like where to go to school or who to marry. Churches might not always intend to teach this lesson, but they can also fail to stop kids from learning it.

How do you unlearn unhealthy lessons as an adult?

Here's how Internal Family Systems can help people work through old beliefs.

The first step is to acknowledge that a part of you still believes these ideas. IFS states that people consist of many psychological parts. At your core, you might no longer believe that you’re a bad person, but a small part of you still might.

Once you’ve acknowledged that this part of you exists, explore it with curiosity if you can. You may need to first recognize any negative feelings you have toward that part of yourself. For instance, are you angry that you still hold an old religious belief? That anger, if left unchecked, will make it difficult to explore the belief itself.

If you can get to a place where you have sincere curiosity about the old belief, ask why you still hold onto it. It may turn out that this part of you is holding onto the belief for a good reason! For example, doubting your intuition may have been a social survival skill as a kid. This part might think that you will still need that skill again in the future. If that’s the case, then you can explore the risk of such a thing happening. Updating this part about a low risk level may help it to let go. If the risk is higher, explore alternative ways to cope with that risk, using your updated beliefs.

These steps can be more complicated than I’m making them sound. You may have trouble following them on your own. If that’s the case, consider going through the steps with an IFS therapist.

Are you struggling with shaking off the painful experiences of high-demand religion? I offer religious trauma therapy for adults. Feel free to contact me and schedule a free consultation, and see if we’re a good fit.

"I'm a Bad Person:" How Do You Unlearn Unhealthy Lessons As An Adult?