Why Do I Feel So Much Shame?
This article is the opinion of the writer. It is for general informational purposes only. It does not constitute individual therapeutic advice.
What is shame?
In my last post, I discussed the differences between shame and guilt. I used Brene Brown’s definition that shame is the belief that something is wrong with us. Brown differentiates this from guilt, the belief that we have done a specific wrong thing.
I also mentioned that shame is rarely, if ever, helpful. So, what is it? And why do we have the ability to feel it?
In my experience, the word “shame” refers to at least two different contexts. One type of shame is what we receive from other people when they shame us. The other type of shame is what we internalize and carry with us. A friend of mine recently told me that he thinks we should have different words for these two contexts. His sentiment makes sense to me.
When other people shame us, they send us messages that something is wrong with us. They are not only guilting us about one mistake we’ve made. They are telling us, directly or indirectly, that we have a deeper problem than that. Sometimes these messages are unintentional, but either way we still feel shame.
Our shame in those situations is like a response we see in other species. Animals will sometimes express behaviors to appease others. For example, dogs roll onto their backs to communicate vulnerability rather than threat.
We do the same thing when others succeed in shaming us. Our belief is that something is wrong with us. Typical responses to this include apologizing or physically shrinking back.
It can feel uncomfortable or unfair to admit defeat to other people. That is what can lead to the other context of shame, when we internalize the feeling. We carry the feeling of shame with us, sometimes throughout our entire lives. Some people develop the ability to always worry about the risk of being shamed again.
The internalization happens because we also buy into the shaming message itself. Often, we have felt guilty too many times about too many behaviors. Guilt turns into shame when we don’t think we have the ability to improve our behavior. In other words, we may think of ourselves as “broken.”
Even if we don’t believe that our behavior is bad, we may worry about everyone else’s perceptions. The process of being guilted by other people generally feels isolating and hurtful. Internalized shame helps us to be vigilant for those experiences. Thus, shame can be a fear of experiencing guilt over and over again.
Why do I feel so much shame?
Many of us believe that we don’t deserve to carry the shame that we feel, but that doesn’t make it go away. So why do we feel it? What purpose does it serve?
Shame alerts us to patterns of our own behavior. These patterns either do not match our own values, or they do not match the values of people around us. Either way, we have reasons to not engage in those behaviors, so the shame tells us that we have patterns to break. Sometimes the shame is excessively vigilant, and makes us think we have harmful patterns even if we don’t.
Many of us learn shame through cultural messages. Family or religious cultures can use shame as a teaching tool for children. This can even happen unintentionally. The same can be said about any authoritative setting, such as how teachers treat students.
In some cases, attempts to correct a person’s mistake become a bigger deal than they’re supposed to. Think about a child who is corrected frequently, or is scared of punishment. They may think constructive criticism is in fact shaming. These children believe that they are the problem, or that they cannot do better.
Some religious beliefs can reinforce the message that people are unable to do better. I grew up in a church where children learned about humankind’s tendencies toward evil. These discussions rarely mentioned our ability to improve our behavior.
This kind of disempowerment can lead to cycles of shame:
A person makes a mistake.
They receive criticism from others.
They do not believe they can do better.
They repeat the behavior. Shame can feel like an impossible experience to overcome.
Ironically, shame can also serve as a survival mechanism. This is especially true in settings where shame is an intentional cultural norm. Sometimes children in these settings feel shame without learning why behaviors are wrong. Sometimes they never learn why the behaviors are wrong. Being vigilant for the possibility of being shamed can help in this situation. A person's vigilance is an attempt to navigate confusing social messages.
Also ironically, these environments can cause people to act outside of their values. The stress that comes with constant fear, guilt, and shame can reduce a person’s mental resources. They have less ability to access their own values in these cases. This means that they end up exhibiting the very behavior they want to stop.
What is wrong with shame?
Shame can help you to decide when it makes sense to appease other people. It can also give you an alert that you’re engaging in patterns you don’t like. So what’s the problem with it? Is the only problem with shame the fact that it feels so bad?
While the discomfort of shame can feel intolerable, I think shame has even worse effects. Here are a few, but you might read these and think of more that apply to you.
Risk aversion. You engage less and less in positive activities that could result in shame. For example, you don’t talk to people who interest you. Or, you don’t apply for the job you want.
Trouble trusting yourself. As people shame you for your natural behaviors, you become confused by what’s right and wrong. You might have an intuitive sense of what’s right and wrong, but you shut down that sense. Instead, you value everyone else’s beliefs over your own.
Low tolerance for mistakes. Shame operates in cycles; the more shame others give you, the more shame you carry. Making a single mistake can result in more than one bit of negative feedback from other people. It can result in you shaming yourself, holding back on what you know is right, and then making even more mistakes.
Humiliation, anger, and resentment. Sometimes you feel shame just because someone calls you out, even if you disagree with them. The mere act of being told that other people disapprove of you feels awful. If you think this is unfair, then you may hold a grudge against the very people from whom you seek approval.
Shaming other people. If you hold yourself to a high standard, it might drive you crazy to see other people fall short. As a result, you end up sending them the same hurtful messages you’ve received. You might not even realize you’re doing it because you’ve automatically learned the behavior.
Reproducing your trauma onto other people. Some shaming events can be traumatic, affecting your fight-or-flight response to stress. The previous bullet points in this list can all be examples of trauma responses. When you shame people the way you have been shamed, you run the risk of doing them harm.
How do I cope with shame?
When our feelings of shame activate, it can feel overwhelming. It can affect our behavior and ability to function. So what can you do to manage your shameful feelings and beliefs?
Learn to recognize when shame appears. Learning the signs of shame is the first step in being able to cope. Start to notice what your body feels like when shame arises. What body parts feel different? How would you describe those physical sensations: Tightness, tingling, etc.?
Also start to recognize which thoughts associate with shame. For example, do you wish you carried yourself differently in previous life events? For some folx, this is a manifestation of shame.
Ask yourself why the shame appears. If the shame was represented by a single voice inside of you, how would it answer that question? What triggered the shame to activate? What does the ashamed part of you need in that moment?
Identifying the needs of your shame is a big step in coping. Does the mere presence of shame need your acknowledgement? Does it need reassurance that you have nothing to be ashamed of? Or, does the shame need you to change how you carry yourself among other people? Everyone’s system is different, so give yourself time to explore these questions.
Ask yourself what you are afraid of. Most of our difficult emotions stem from fear. Often when we feel shame, we are afraid of how other people perceive us. Shame can can also represent the fear that we are broken and unfixable.
Ask yourself what the risk is. Once you know what your fears are, take some time to assess the risk. How likely are your fears to come true? Often, assessing the risk leads us to realize that catastrophe is unlikely.
But what if the risk is real in any way? Take it seriously for a moment. If it’s not too intense, imagine the fear coming true. Then - and this is key - picture yourself successfully coping with that situation. For instance, if all your friends were to abandon you, how could you pick yourself up again?
If needed, repeat this process with shameful memories. Shameful feelings often point us to the same memories over and over. These might be memories of events that created our shame in the first place.
Ask yourself the same questions about those memories. Why did you feel ashamed, what did you need, and what were you afraid of? Picture yourself walking through the event again with the knowledge you have now. Notice the ways in which you have successfully coped since that time. Do you notice ways that you can start coping more effectively moving forward?
If you need more help, seek out an IFS therapist. Going through these steps on your own can be very challenging. Sometimes shame is so intense that it’s hard to connect to the shame while also asking hard questions. Internal Family Systems is the therapeutic approach I use with clients. It is suited to notice feelings like shame and learning from them.
Want to learn more about Internal Family Systems therapy? Feel free to contact me and schedule a free consultation, and see if we’re a good fit.