A man with short brown hair kisses the forehead of a woman with long brown hair. Their eyes are closed. They are standing outside, in front of a body of water and some hills.

This article is the opinion of the writer. It is for general informational purposes only. It does not constitute individual therapeutic advice.

What are the signs of struggling relationships?

If you’re in a romantic relationship, you may notice yourself looking for “red flags.” Or, you think you’ve seen red flags but don’t know how to interpret them.

A man and woman hold hands while keeping their backs to each other. Their eyes are closed and they look distressed. They are standing on a sidewalk in front of a blank wall.

Red flags are warning signs that the relationship may be struggling or unhealthy. They may also signal the end of the relationship coming soon. They may appear in your or your partner’s behavior. You might also worry about certain feelings you’ve been experiencing. Even circumstances like being in a long-distance relationship can feel like red flags.

I could fill many blog posts with descriptions of red flags in relationships. Many such articles already exist, based on various theories and individual personal experiences. In this post, though, I’d like to focus on a specific set of signs, based on research.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are marriage therapists and relationship researchers. Their studies have suggested specific signs of impending divorce. They call these signs The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The Gottmans have found that all four behaviors combined reliably predict divorce.

The Gottmans’ research has centered around married couples. I believe many of their findings can apply to other relationship formations. For instance, they can still help people who are dating, or are in throuples or polycules.

What are Gottman’s Four Horsemen?

The Gottmans call four specific relationship behaviors The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The name comes from prophetic Biblical characters who signaled the end of the world. Gottman’s Four Horsemen, meanwhile, predict the ends of relationships.

Criticism. According to the Gottmans, criticism is different from making a complaint. Complaints are about specific behaviors; criticisms are attacks on a person’s character. For example, you may feel upset that your partner did not wash the dishes after agreeing to do so. When you bring this up, though, you tell them that they are always lazy.
Contempt. Contempt is the act of being mean, insulting, or hateful. It usually develops when smaller issues go unresolved for a long time. You are more likely to act aggressively when you feel resentful toward your partner.
Defensiveness. Sometimes, people naturally react with defensiveness toward their partner. They may always interpret complaints as criticism or contempt, for instance. Even in easier conversations, you may feel tense as soon as your partner starts talking.
Stonewalling. Also known as “shutting down,” this is when partners stop communicating altogether. You try to keep a conversation going, but your partner says nothing and refuses to make eye contact. Or, no one starts conversations anymore. Problems that once caused arguments now feel “normal." The will to fight is gone.

You may recognize one or more of these behaviors in your own relationship. In fact, any one of these behaviors can be common. But, research predicts divorce when all four behaviors occur together. If you worry that you or your partner are engaging in these behaviors, read on. You may still be able to reduce the behaviors and improve your relationship.

What keeps most couples together?

Spending time with your partner is a good place to start when it comes to relationship repair. This is especially true if one or both of you has been stonewalling. You can use your time together to practice communication skills.

The Gottmans suggest specific antidotes for each Four Horseman behavior:

Gentle start up (antidote for Criticism). Use “I” instead of “you” statements. For example, you might say “I feel angry” rather than “You make me angry.” “I” statements reduce the feeling that you are attacking your partner. Another component of gentle startups is stating a positive need. If you have a specific request, focus on that. You might say “I would like you to wash the dishes three nights a week.” That would be in contrast to simply saying, “You never wash the dishes.”
Build a culture of appreciation (antidote for Contempt). Focus on what you like about your partner. Compliment them regularly. Go out of your way to state specifically why you appreciate them. Try to be thoughtful and creative. This isn’t just to help your partner feel better. It will also help you to actively remember why you like your partner.
Take responsibility (antidote for Defensiveness). When your partner does bring up things that are bothering them, try to have an open mind. This may be difficult, especially if they often express criticism or contempt. Taking responsibility does not mean agreeing with everything your partner says, though. They may accuse you of things you have not done; you don’t need to take responsibility for those. Still, owning your end of the relationship is part of maintaining healthy boundaries.
Self-soothing (antidote for Stonewalling). This refers to physiological techniques like deep breathing. Usually partners stonewall because their emotions become too overwhelming to express. If your fear has taken control, ask to take a break for a few minutes. Use that time to do something nice for your body. You can listen to relaxing music, stretch your muscles, or smell essential oils. There are plenty of other ways to self-soothe, so figure out what works best for you.

Between using these antidotes, you can fill the time together using positive activities. These activities can improve the relationship in general. They can also help you focus on specific issues in the relationship if needed.

What activities bring couples closer together?

A zoomed-in shot between the hips of two people wearing long-sleeved sweaters and pants. They cross their wrists and use their hands to form the shape of a heart with each other.

The following activities are examples I sometimes discuss with my clients. Feel free to discuss and customize them with your partner. One purpose behind these activities is enjoyment and comfort. Another is enhancement of your connection with each other.

A weekly "State of the Union" meeting.

This idea comes from Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver.

Dedicate one hour each week to discussing the state of the relationship. Start by discussing what went well throughout the last week. Next, share five specific things each that you're grateful to your partner for. Try to pick things you haven't expressed yet this week.

Then, spend the bulk of the hour taking turns discussing potentially awkward issues. The goal here is to converse in a scheduled, civilized manner. Limiting the meeting to one hour can put a cap on conversations that don't have clear endings yet.

Finally, ask each other how you can love and support each other over the next week.

Schedule non-sexual, yet physically intimate, time together.

Take turns providing non-sexual touch to each other. This might include hugging, tickling, caressing, and so on. The point of the exercise is for the toucher to take cues from their partner. This way, you fulfill requests based on what both partners are comfortable with. An important part of this activity is to exercise consent on both sides.

Have a date night using "date night cards."

Many versions of these cards are now sold online and in stores, but you can also have fun making your own. Each card contains a prompt to ask your partner. Give each other time to respond in full, and to offer reactions to your partner's answers. These cards can lead to deep conversations about unexpected and unexplored topics.

If you’re seeking more support for relationship issues, I may be able to help. I provide counseling to individuals about how they show up in their relationships. I can also help you find a couples counselor if needed. Feel free to contact me and schedule a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit.

What Activities Bring Couples Closer Together?