How Can You Tell When Someone Is Being Passive Aggressive?
This article is the opinion of the writer. It is for general informational purposes only. It does not constitute individual therapeutic advice.
What is passive aggressive behavior?
Passive aggressive behavior consists of indirect communication methods, both verbal and non-verbal. It is a way that people express their anger without being direct. Anger is usually uncomfortable for passive aggressive communicators.
Verbal passive aggressive communication is often backhanded. It deflects from the real conversation at hand. People using passive aggressive communication encode their messages. They also expect others to "read their minds." They can often say things that sound polite, but are in fact spiteful under the surface.
Passive aggressive communication is not always intentional. Many folx have trouble realizing that they are in fact angry or resentful. They might come from families where passive aggressive communication is the norm. Many passive aggressive communicators are not used to direct speaking styles.
Many passive aggressive communicators who are aware of their anger are afraid of it. Again, this could come from family or religious values they learned growing up. Some have a history of hurting others through aggressive communication. These folx have a fear of making the same mistake. They might believe passive aggressive communication is a step in the right direction.
Unfortunately, passive aggressive communication can create a vicious cycle. The root cause of the situation goes unaddressed. As a result, the anger and resentment can fester and grow. This only makes further passive aggressive behavior more likely to occur again.
Passive aggressive communicators do not always know how else to communicate. Learning about other styles of communication can be a good place to start if you’re only used to one style.
What are the 4 types of communication styles?
In general, people navigate conflict through one of four styles of communication. Below is a description of each style. I have also added possible examples of each style. These examples are context-sensitive. If you encounter someone using these phrases when communicating, use your best judgement.
Assertive. Assertive communication is confident and direct, without aggression or contempt. Assertive people are straightforward and often leave their emotions out of their communication. If they are experiencing strong emotion, they still communicate it in a direct manner. They do not let the emotion overwhelm their tone or body language.
Possible examples of assertive communication
“I feel upset by your behavior, so please stop.”
“No, thank you. I’m not going to do that.”
“I think I need some space right now.”
Direct eye contact and steady, calm tone of voice
Passive. Passive communication is indirect. It frequently involves the communicator giving up their own interests. This is usually for self-protection or peacekeeping purposes.
Passive communicators may not realize that they are betraying their own interests. They also may not know that they feel angry underneath the surface. Passive communication can also be a safe choice in dangerous situations.
Other times, passive communicators are sincere because they feel laid-back and relaxed. It’s easy to be passive when you have no great personal stake in a situation. This is also true if you are fine with someone else making decisions.
Possible examples of passive communication
“It’s fine.”
“I don’t care, whatever you want.”
“I’ve never really thought about it.”
Looking at the floor, shrugging shoulders, quiet voice
Aggressive. Aggressive communication is typically angry or forceful, and sometimes violent. Body language and tone of voice are larger in most aggressive communication. People use aggressive communication when it is hard to calm down big emotions. They also use it to threaten and ignore the needs of others.
Aggressive verbal communication is sometimes necessary in acts of self-protection. It can also be appropriate to address otherwise ignored social justice issues. One of the biggest risks of aggressive communication is it can lead to isolation or violence.
Possible examples of aggressive communication
“Get out of my way!”
“Shut up and let me talk!”
“I’ll hurt you.”
Loud voice, clenched fists, wide range of motion with arms, pacing back and forth
Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive communication is a combination of the passive and aggressive communication styles. People who use passive aggressive behavior feel anger, even if they don’t realize it. They may try to be passive to keep the peace, but on a deeper level they might also be trying to make a point.
Passive aggressive communicators sometimes hope the other person will “read between the lines.” Unfortunately, this often does not work because the communicator is being indirect. As a result, this communication can feed into a cycle wherein the root problem is never addressed.
Possible examples of passive aggressive communication
“It’s whatever, I’m fine.”
“I’ll just deal with it myself.”
“Why don’t you just decide, then?”
Lack of eye contact, curt tone of voice, putting hands up as if in defense
As you can probably tell, passive aggressive communication by nature hides itself. This can make it very difficult to discern the communicator’s feelings or intent. Read below for some suggestions for navigating such a challenging situation.
How can you tell when someone is being passive aggressive?
Usually the first hint that someone is being passive aggressive is their tone. When someone is passive aggressive, they're usually less direct in their communication. You might sense that they're experiencing some "big feelings." Yet, they're not stating what their feeling are.
They might also deflect from answering your questions about how they feel. You might also pick up on the hint of a request from them, but have they directly asked you for something? If the request has been indirect, they might be coming from a more passive aggressive place. They may be more curt in their speaking style and avoid eye contact.
Passive aggressive comments usually involve some kind of hidden contempt, like small insults. Check in with how you feel in your body. Are you feeling as comfortable around them as usual? Are you feeling worse than usual in response to the things they're saying to you? It might be difficult to label their comments as "insults," but you still might feel attacked in some way.
How can a person better communicate their feelings and avoid being passive aggressive?
Are you worried that you might be acting passive aggressively? That's likely because you don't feel safe communicating how you feel. For example, you may have learned growing up that it's not okay to be angry.
If you're able to check in with yourself, ask yourself the following question. How it would feel to directly make an "I feel" statement, such as "I feel annoyed right now?" Are you worried about the consequences of speaking directly? Why is that, and can you handle it if your fears come true?
Spend a little bit of time thinking about how you're making the other person feel. If you think they're hurt, ask yourself if that's what you really want for them to experience in the big picture. You might be angry right now, but tomorrow will you be happy with how you've treated this person?
We often act passive-aggressively is because we expect other people to be able to read our minds. Let's say your boss has given you an assignment that's too much for one person to handle. Did you provide clear feedback that their expectation is too high?
What if your partner suggested you go out dancing instead of to the movies? Did you let them know that you were waiting to see this particular movie all week? Sometimes our feelings are so obvious to us, that we forget how hidden they may be to other people.
Like I always tell my clients, keep your side of the street clean. Be honest and direct, even if it might lead to an argument. Arguments are often more constructive than expecting people to read our minds.
Are you looking for more help with communication in your relationships? I offer relationship therapy for individuals. Feel free to contact me and schedule a free consultation, and see if we’re a good fit.