How Can You Manage Jealousy in Friendships and Relationships?
This article is the opinion of the writer. It is for general informational purposes only. It does not constitute individual therapeutic advice.
What is jealousy and why might people struggle with it?
Jealousy is an emotion that occurs when we miss someone due to them spending time with others. This is not limited to the fear that a partner might be cheating. It can also overlap with feelings of rage, suspicion, and humiliation.
For example, you might be jealous of your partner's family members. Imagine them getting to spend time with your partner while you're stuck at work.
You might be jealous of your best friend's other friends. Are there times when they get to spend time together without you?
Jealousy often appears in one of two ways. One is simply missing the person you care about, and wishing you were with them.
The other form of jealousy is a fear that you might be losing that person. Or, it can at least be a fear of missing out on fun or important activities together. These days, we refer to this feeling as "FOMO."
Sometimes people don't get enough time with their partner. This can cause another form of jealousy. It can happen if both partners have busy work schedules that don't line up well.
Some people struggle with jealousy because of how they grew up. Early childhood experiences affect our attachment styles, sometimes negatively.
Sometimes young kids have negligent parents. If not negligent, parents can still display love conditionally or unpredictably. These kids grow up having trouble knowing how and when to expect love from other people.
Adults who have anxious attachments usually spend time worrying about their relationship status. They also worry about whether their partner or friend is reliable.
Unhealthy romantic ideals can come from adverse cultural or religious experiences. For example, some men grow up learning that women should be submissive. This can cause these men to misread situations. Partners who feel empowered or have friend groups beyond the relationship.
Examples of jealousy in relationships
Jealousy can occur in a myriad of ways, and can depend on the type of relationship. The following is a list of examples where jealousy can occur in a romantic relationship
Do you notice these signs in your behavior? If so, that may mean your jealousy has an undue influence on your relationship.
Feeling sad when your partner is with someone else
Feeling angry at the situation keeping you from being with your partner
Feeling angry or spiteful toward the other person
Asking everyone else their opinion about the other person
Trying harder than usual to impress your partner in front of their friend
Asking or telling your partner not to spend time with other people
Distrust toward your partner
Spying on your partner or their friends
Feeling insecure about specific qualities of yourself in comparison to their friend
Insisting that friendly or positive interactions are flirtatious or evidence of cheating
Friends are not the only people that may activate jealous feelings. You might find yourself feeling jealous of your partner’s exes, even if they are not friends.
You can even be jealous of your partner’s parents or siblings. Any relationship that separates you from your partner can feel threatening. This is at least true for people who have a tendency to struggle with jealousy.
Again, jealousy may be healthy and reflect that you miss your partner. Still, it may be a feeling that you need to practice regulating.
How can you manage jealousy in friendships and relationships?
Sometimes the starting point for managing jealousy is to communicate how you're feeling. You don't have to do so in a way that attacks the other person.
Instead, let them know "I feel sad" or "I feel anxious" when they're gone. This can keep the conversation about your experience, rather than about their behavior. It will also give them a chance to understand you on a deeper level and strengthen your bond.
This can sometimes lead to a discussion about the boundaries of the relationship. It's possible your partner or friend might not be comfortable with how you feel. They also might be understanding and want to help.
Either way, the two of you can have a productive conversation. Take some time to talk about what the relationship looks like.
For instance, maybe you and your partner can schedule an extra date night each week. This strategy could compensate for them spending time with other people. Ideally, communicating your fears instead of bottling them up can help you to stop overthinking the relationship.
What are some ways to practice self-compassion and acceptance when you feel jealous?
1. If you struggle with jealousy, try to focus on the emotions underneath the jealousy. Quite often these emotions are fear and sadness, but your mileage may vary.
2. Ask yourself if you have any idea where these feelings come from. Were you abandoned in a previous relationship? Are you tired of all the time you spend at work while your friends get to hang out?
3. If you can, see if there's any way to untangle the source of your feelings from your current relationship. What you experienced as a kid is not necessarily what you are experiencing now. Try to remind yourself of that if you can.
4. Can you remind yourself that you're having a very natural reaction to what's going on? Maybe feeling jealous doesn't have to be a big deal. What if you have experienced hurt in previous relationships? It makes sense that you would be feeling the feelings you have today.
5. Talk to your partner about jealousy enhancing the relationship. Maybe you can feel jealous without it tearing the relationship apart. Some romantic couples enjoy the presence of some jealousy in their relationship. This is because it means they still have strong feelings for each other. See if that can apply to your relationship at all. Work through the feelings without shaming yourself along the way.
In conclusion, you don’t have to be afraid of your jealousy. Pretending that it doesn’t exist will not make it go away. Jealousy in your partner also does not have to be a red flag for the relationship.
Focus on open communication and a willingness to dive into your feelings underneath. Doing so can help you to find a healthy balance.
Are you looking for more help with relationships? I offer relationship therapy for individuals. Feel free to contact me and schedule a free consultation, and see if we’re a good fit.