This article is the opinion of the writer. It is for general informational purposes only. It does not constitute individual therapeutic advice.

If you believe you or a loved one may be experiencing abuse, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

What should you do when your partner and family don't get along?

Are you in a relationship with someone who doesn't get along with your family? Maybe your partner likes your family, but your family has a problem with your partner. What do you do in a situation like this?

If you yourself get along with everyone, I would start by thinking about what it means to compromise. Through compromise, everyone gets to figure out what's most important to them.

Compromise can help you review questions like these:

What's most important to you when you and your partner visit with your family?
Are there specific family members that you want to spend the most time with?
Do you care about everyone participating in certain family traditions?
Is it more important that your partner and family directly address and work on their issues? Or is it more important to simply have a lack of conflict when they're together?

It may help to think about how much time everyone spends together. For instance, do you live on the other side of the country from family? Or do you only live a few streets away? Your needs likely depend on that distance.

How do you talk to your partner about getting along with your family?

Any discussion with your partner about family will involve the subject of boundaries. Which boundaries are more porous and open to compromise? Which boundaries are completely rigid? Make sure each of you gets a chance to share what's important to you and what your grievances are.

In situations like this, I usually suggest active listening first:

Ask your partner to share everything they need to share before you offer feedback.
After your partner speaks, summarize what you've heard to make sure you understand.
Try to be non-judgmental and non-defensive if possible.
For more tips, check out this handout on becoming an active listener.

This does not mean you have to shut down your emotions altogether. When it's your turn to speak, try to use "I feel" statements. See if you can do this without your feelings completely overwhelming you.

If either of you feels overwhelmed, consider taking a break from the conversation. Come up with an agreed-upon amount of time for the break, like 20 minutes. Use that break to soothe yourself.

Also use that time to identify what you're feeling. Can you separate from that feeling at all? Try to communicate on behalf of that emotion. This is different than letting the emotion communicate on your behalf.

How do you talk to your family about getting along with your partner?

This often depends on how your conversations with your partner have been going. I usually suggest talking to your partner first if possible. Ask them what they are comfortable with you discussing with your family.

Here are some things to think about when you talk to your family:

Your family members may be the first people to speak up about a conflict. When they do, try to listen without being defensive. This may be challenging, but do your best to hear where they're coming from.
It is possible that your family is completely in the wrong. For example, what if they are judging your partner from a place of racism or fatphobia? If this is the case, it may be a good opportunity for you to call them on it. That will likely depend on your relationship with your family.
Your conversations with your partner and family can come down to a matter of compromise. If so, be clear that that's what is happening.
Remind your family that you and your partner are a unit. In the end, you may end up breaking away from certain family traditions or dynamics. This does not have to mean that your relationship with your family ends.
Rather, your relationship with your family can change in some ways over time. This does not have to be a bad thing. If any family members believes that it is a bad thing, give them a chance to say why they think so.

What could it mean that your family doesn't like your partner?

Conflicts between partners and family members often come down to cultural differences. Your family might tend to communicating in a certain way. Does your partner's family communicates differently?

There may also be a difference in values. This can makes things awkward sometimes. For example, what if issues like politics or religion come up at family gatherings? How does everyone engage in these conversations?

The way we discuss sensitive topics can be a reflection of our beliefs. This can be enough to cause people to feel incompatible with each other. If you and your partner align on values, though, that may feel most important to you.

Should you listen to your family's complaints about your partner?

Sometimes families are able to detect relationship red flags or abuse. These are things that can be difficult to see from inside the relationship. If your family expresses worry about how your partner treats you, take it seriously and hear them out.

It's possible that your family is misunderstanding the relationship. You might need them to communicate this to them. If so, first focus on demonstrating that you understand what they mean.

You may feel confused or disoriented by your family's feedback. It can be difficult to hear your family tell you that your relationship is unhealthy or abusive.

Don't be afraid to research what they're suggesting, and see if what you find resonates with you. One resource I often refer clients to is The Power and Control Wheel. While not perfect, it can help clients to to determine if their partner is abusive.

If you are concerned that you may be experiencing abuse in your relationship, consider working with a relationship counselor or reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

How do you create boundaries during the holidays?

During the holidays, take some time to figure out what's most important to you. Base your boundaries around your top values. Is there a specific tradition that you want everyone to do together? Share that with your partner and family.

If you are expecting conflict, there's a good chance the holidays will drain your energy.

Talk to your partner about the possibility of needing time for just the two of you, or even for yourself to be alone.
Try to estimate in advance how much time you'll be willing to spend with your family.
If you're visiting family, think about if it makes the most sense to stay at their house. The visit might be easier if you stay with friends or at a hotel nearby. You might even need a rental car. The cost could be worth it if it means everyone gets the space they need to take care of their mental health.
Meanwhile, consider what it means to be flexible. You might have a self-care plan that doesn't work out due to spontaneous circumstances. This doesn't have to be the end of the world. If you spend more time with family than you want one day, consider sleeping in the next morning.
Continue to communicate as needed.

If you need more help with dealing with partner and family dynamics, I offer relationship counseling for individuals. You can contact me and schedule a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit.

What to Do When Your Partner and Family Don't Get Along