This article is the opinion of the writer. It is for general informational purposes only. It does not constitute individual therapeutic advice.

Why can’t I talk to my parents about my feelings?

Opening up to parents is hard for some people. This is true regardless of age. Some families just have trouble getting along and communicating.

It can be difficult even if you’re an adult and you get along with your parents. You might find that your conversations with your family stay on the surface. Maybe you share information about life events, but rarely share your emotions.

Below are some common reasons why people struggle with communicating feelings with family. These explanations can apply whether you are a kid or an adult. You might also be an adult, reflecting on what it was like for you growing up.

This is not an exhaustive list by any means. As you continue reading, though, think about how these suggestions match your experience.

Your family’s culture discourages sharing feelings

Some families just don’t place value on opening up about feelings. This is sometimes related to their cultural, ethnic, or religious backgrounds.

Family culture can be intergenerational. It’s possible that you have a long family history of hiding emotions. Your parents might have learned this from their parents, and so on for many generations.

You’re trained to keep things to yourself

Maybe your parents trained you from a young age to repress your emotions. For example, some kids receive punishment for being angry. This does not make the anger go away, but it can reduce expression of those feelings.

Parents can also train their children in a certain way on accident. Did your parents shut down when they saw you being sad as a child? Maybe they didn’t know what to do, but you learned that crying in front of them didn’t help.

You also may have trained yourself to tone down your feelings. This may have been conscious or unconscious. But if talking about your feelings rarely produced a positive result, why would you keep doing it?

Your parents don’t understand

Some parents have trouble identifying with the issues their children have. Mental health stigma has decreased over the years. It’s possible your parents have never openly discussed their own emotional struggles.

The culture gap between generations can be very large as well. This is especially true for first- and second-generation immigrant families. The things that matter to you might not be things your parents have ever even thought about.

As a result, when you’ve tried explaining your struggles to your parents, they’ve had no frame of reference. They haven’t understood your emotional reactions. They also have had no clue how to respond to you.

Your parents have a history of ignoring or not believing your feelings

If your parents never show any interest when you express your feelings, why would you keep trying? If you’re an adult and this has been going on your whole life, of course you’d train yourself to stay quiet. It can feel very invalidating when someone doesn’t seem to care, especially family.

Why would your parents ignore or struggle to trust you? That’s a great question. Busy adults often struggle to empathize with the issues of children.

Many people associate “attention-seeking behavior” with being selfish. They may also think of direct emotional communication as attention-seeking.

What if you're not being selfish by sharing your feelings? Embark Behavioral Health argues that people seek attention because they have legitimate unmet needs.

Your parents' own feelings are overwhelming

Emotions rarely exist in a bubble. If you struggle with overwhelming emotions, there is a good chance your parents do too. The difference may be that they have no idea that they have those emotions.

One common coping mechanism for overwhelming feelings is to deny them. “Bottling up” your feelings may be a necessary skill in some situations, but it can also be dangerous. For example, a person who suppresses their rage may suddenly explode under pressure.

It’s possible that hearing about your feelings triggers your parents. This does not mean that your feelings are bad, or that you shouldn’t talk about them! But, it could still explain why your parents may be shutting down your conversations.

Your parents are afraid of you trauma dumping

Parents who are aware of their own triggers might also know that they have limits. As a result, they may be wary of the risk of trauma dumping when emotions come up in conversations. They don’t want to have a boundary-less conversation about triggering subject matter.

Even folx who are aware of the risk of trauma dumping might not know how to directly communicate. You could try asking your parents if there’s a way to safely discuss feelings. Putting boundaries on the conversation might actually be helpful for you as well. It can protect you from experiencing overwhelm by your own feelings.

Your parents believe or engage in spiritual bypassing

Many religious traditions encourage a coping mechanism known as spiritual bypassing. Spiritual bypassing is the process of focusing on positive things from one's faith. The downside is that it excludes taking the time to address more difficult emotions. Being told by others to spiritually bypass can be a form of religious trauma.

Some examples of spiritual bypassing:

“If you’re depressed, you need to spend more time praying.”

“God is in control. There’s no reason to get upset.”

“You don’t need to fix anything. Trust that God has a plan.”

These sentiments can be well-intentioned. The problem is they can result in the message that your feelings are wrong or don’t matter. They can also prevent you from trying to solve your problems.

Your parents give advice instead of listen

It’s a parent’s job to look after their kids, even after the kids grow up. A natural response to this responsibility is to try to fix their kids' problems. Sometimes, though, that isn’t helpful or needed.

Have you ever tried to express your frustration with a situation, even if you knew what to do? In those situations, you are probably looking for validation. The situation sucks, and you want to know you're seen and understood.

If your parents tend to problem-solve on your behalf when you don’t want them to, you can try telling them so. Let them know that you just want them to listen, and don’t need them to intervene. They may not understand what you’re asking for, but at least you’ll know you’re trying to be clear and direct.

Your family culture may be toxic

A toxic family culture is one that enables harm in cycles. Examples of this harm include shaming, blaming, and gaslighting family members. Attempts to stop this harm lead straight to more harm, or result in only brief moments of peace and repair.

Toxic family cultures do not necessarily engage in abusive behavior. Usually these cultures consist of disproportionate emotional reactions and unhelpful communication. You may find it challenging to change your family’s communication style on your own.

Family therapy is an option to help your family improve their communication style. Your family might be unwilling to engage in therapy, though. If that’s the case, it may be up to you to figure out your own method of navigating your family’s culture.

If you need more help with family relationships, I offer individual relationship therapy. Feel free to contact me and schedule a free consultation, and see if we’re a good fit.

Why Can’t I Talk to My Parents About My Feelings?